fucking day

Im at work today. I forgot to bring my keyboard and i’ve got a lot of thiings to do.

This morning i feel a bit shit, i was really numbed out.

Last night i couldn’t take my propranolol because i ran out. So i went to the chemist in the morning to get another 2 pack from my prescription. I drove down to croydon, just oustide of work there was a terrible crash. Two cars collided.

Ouch i feel and know the pain of the car crash especially living with the consequences and the aches/whip lash from the incident.

 

I felt woozy about my own situation and I just didn’t want to do anything this morning on the way to work. I just didn’t want to go to work.

I was contemplating of not working anymore and take time off from everything. I just want to get healthy again. Would going back to the gym help? Would losing weight help?

As we speak i am sipping on a horrible Meal replacement from PHD. its so thick and keeps me full. I just can’t finish the damn thing! Everytime i leave it to rest it gets thicker by the minute.

Maybe that’s how it keeps you full inside your stomach?

 

Yesterday I tried to cry but it didn’t come out, i had one tear drop out my eyes. All i wanted to do is cry but halfway through or just before starting it just didn’t come out.

It was really weird.

I wanted to get better by letting go of things in my life.

 

I am not sure what the fuck is going on with me with this issue.

 

I am happy with plesk, i think i am going to purchase a yearly license for the server to run on with the emails.

 

I am finally getting the payment done for my suppliers at work. Gosh it took very long. I had not motivation to do anything but it kept eating me up at the back of my head. I was not too happy with that but i just didn’t have the energy to do it.

 

I was also so close to text janet last night, i don’t know why, i was not feeling anything for her but anger. Anger against me and her. I repressed a lot during the relationship and i should have raised my concerns earlier when she didn’t give a shit or even introduce me to her family within the first year of being together.

She has issues. She was hiding me away from her sister recently because she thinks of what other people would say rather than what she wants. She value gossip than friendship….maybe that is why i walked away from her.

 

Today i’ve got counselling. I’ll have to tell her if she is registered with bupa, if not i will start counselling in the south with people close to home i guess. 

mental health

some time ago i intereviewed someone f or a job.

he was working in a pizza factory.

he was struggling and i felt bad. i wanted to take him on board but i couldn’t. he was not in ga good position. he was struggling. he went to do courses to get a better life but he just couldn’t do the job. i felt bad about it. i hope he is ok.

he had a family.

kids and a wife.

 

 

another one is tofi he worked with me.

i feel bad that he couldn’t do his job. he left because he couldn’t do his job.

 

and now….

i am not able to do my job. i feel useless. 

feeling better today

today i am feeling a bit better, i didn’t do much. but i am aching all over my body.

i wasn not able to do my work work as i just was focusing on my self and watching tv.

i am currently closing my eyes to type.

interesting how far we’ve grown.

especially when i just posted  a post about a 10 year anniversary. i am not feeling to great interms of aching today.

i am not feeling lonely which is good. i guess. but i have no motivation.at  all…..

meh

i dont want to do anything in my life right now.

is this normal? ..just googled it is normal.

i am wlistening to artemis…it is interesting well performed i guess.

i like the 1 person view and minds eye over things. it helps numbs out. i mean audiobooks helps numbing out the pain and stress from it all.

i am losing my memory now and then, time just flies and i dont like this.

another month just passed by and i’ve done nothing to help.

i just want to give up work and not do anything its so pointless.

i just dont want to do things.

i  want to have a normal life but dont want to do things to get to it.

i want a normal body, ..ripped and slim. i just want a normal body,

mdy body is aching. i feel so weak.

my fingers are hurting typing.other than that i setup a new server using plesk. which is great! its like having laravel forge but like everything and well managed via aws. i just need to make sure i can back it up now and then.

i dont really feel for janet anymore. i just feel normal no nothing anymore. i left the keyrings on the table at my parents. ineed to return it to her at some point.

  

10 years on blogging

wow times does fly by. i’m now 30 and im looking at my blog since i started back in 2008. it has been a ride, a very long ride.

The way i write and express myself have changed…drastically.

I was reading my old posts and I felt awkward to read and it was refreshing to see that i’ve changed a lot in the last 10 years.

I’ve got a lot of things going on in my life and i need to start getting back on track. as we speak i am hungry. I am trying out meal replacement shakes from PHD to see if there are any changes in my weight.

I will try to alternate and use the following programme for the food.

Monday = 1 mrp

Tuesday = 2 mrp (breakfast/lunch)

Wednesday =1 mrp (breakfast)

Thursday = same as tuesday

Friday = same as wednesday

Saturday = 2 mrp

Sunday = 2mrp + 1 dirty food.

 

 

today’s plan

i am in bed at the moment and I need to do some food shopping for the week.

I need to grab some vegetables and some fish.

I think i am ok with the house cleaning stuff. but i need to clean lol!

I will also need to take my measurement for those damn shirts. I also need to go primark today to get some trousers.

I will try to get some food now with the shaker then get some of wash on for later so that I can dry it before bed.

I will try to hoover the place when im back from shopping. to be fair if im going for the mrp i dont need to spend  a lot on food this week except buying more MRP from phd.

I will see what other flavours they have so that i can try.

 

after i am back i am going to do the payment processing for one of the suppliers and start backing up my mac, i really need to sort out my mac and my server.

If i get time i will look at some marketing things and prepare a plan of action and outsource the work out. properly. i have no time to do it. so i have to get it done.

  

what now…

now that i am single again… i need to rebuild myself.

at the moment i dont feel like doing anything. I have no joy or will to do anything.

I feel my life is a waste at the moment and there is very little that i can do to change it.

I pray everynight before bed, because i believe in god and that i am also scared. the comfort that god provides does help me go through day by day.

the mornings ae pretty difficult for me. its a weird feeling like you just came off the operation table, druggy and achy (‘simetimes’)

i am going through counselling and i need to get better.

I thought i was physically getting better but it was not the case this week.

I feel a bit frustrated with the ‘ you are not allowed to do xx xxx and xx ‘ its tiring.

i’m tired of going on like this everyday. I cannoy enjoy runnig or anthing else to get myself better. I have no energy and i feel weak most of the time.

its not nice and this is causing more and more problems for me going forward in my life.

it is a viscious cycle that icannot get of. i want to get better physically and lose weight, get trim and build muscles.

at the moment my diet is shocking and it needs a revamp.

 

 

in terms of love life its non-existent but i have two good friends that are supporting me; eva and sean. I cannot ask for any one esle. they are close and i love them both for being around and sticking through.

what is suprising is that Eva is considerate comprared to janet who has been a gf for 5 years. eva didn’t take the piss with me and eating beef, chicken or any religius and restricting/fasting foods.

she doesn’t push it on you or does forget.

it is really annoying that janet forgot that i sacrified and pryed for her. it angers me that she doesn’t know evn after telling her. i just want her to recognise she is going to lose out on a great guy.

I sometimes hope she gets fucked over by a new guy in another relationship.

see how it feels to get fucked over.

she has no empathy and doesnt care about people around you.

her sister is a joke too, she commented as to why the nyc holiday wasn’t longer….well it is a fucking gift.

jesus…what kind of mentality is this bullshit.

what also annoys me is that she keeps me hidden away from her friends and its stressing really stressing that she does this. imagine being hidden away from a relationship for 5 years.

i think these are some of the key factors.

i’ll post one tomrrow morning. 

quick one for tonight

tomorrow the plan is to go gym, and clothes shopping.

i got to sort my life out. gonna rest a bit and do my own stuff. I need to fix my diet and health. there’s no point running around if im getting tired.

 

cutting out janet from my life is helpful.

she has not been there for me. i remember how ungrateful she has been when i got her a new phone. she asked ‘why didn’t you get the normal iphone 5s, i could have given you the extra money to upgrade.’.

it was disheartening. i just didn’t care at that point. i saw my face in the pics. i just was not happy like that.

 

i helped her through her hard times but to then be treated like shit.

when i needed support she was not there.

i sacrificed and prayed for her to pass her exams.

but it was not enough. and she didn’t appreciate it.

all she is is materialistic and nothing else.

how can you be with someone so self centred they dont know the damage they are doing around you. 

not sure what im doing

I’m not sure what i am doing, i woke up this morning tensed up and stressed.

not sure what to do, its like a really depressed day.

I feel down down, not sure what to do and what i am doing. my legs feels weird, heavy.

im constnatly sleepy since morning and i dont feel like doing anything at all. i feel lost, i dont know what to do.

maybe i need to go food shopping?