pissed

just pissed at everything atm.
my mate C, just lashed at me while i was trying to help. This has been the 5th time i’ve pissed her off. I am really thinking back at the relationship/friendship i have with her. I feel just frustrated and angered at her most of the time.

I just don’t want to carry on with anything atm. I was only staying for C and R (two friends of mine from uni). But atm I just really can’t handle the constant fear that I am getting from the homeoffice and the bitching i get from C, I’m trying to help for fuck sake.
Basically the argument started because I’ve told C that open university would be a good option if she wants to provide for her future kid. she replied with a text that she clearly didn’t want that and i didn’t understand. Well I clearly don’t because whenever I say something or suggest something, its either impossible or she doesn’t want it.
Well wow great.
I feel pathetic around her because I did try to go out with her last year and it didn’t work out. However in December she asked for my help, i offered it. I mean its good in a way. but I still like her at times. and its awfully weird that I am still friends with her. I feel pathetic offering my help to her, you don’t understand no one does understand how pathetic and weak it makes me offering help to someone i like. it sometimes feel im doing it because i like her. but knowing for a long time there is no chance i’m getting with her, I feel stuck and don’t want to be there and be there for her at the same time.

she replies when she feels like, she does it to everyone. And i’m pretty sure why her ex left her because of the constant torment that she lays on everyone.

What pisses me off is that R has cancer and C was suppose to go with her tomorrow to see it through with her but it seems she doesn’t make the effort. the only thing that C keeps repeating is that the child comes first, well for fuck sake we know that. however spending 2-3 min answering your call or listening to R’s problems is not going to impede on your health or her son’s health.

Now R is going to hospital on her own, i offered to come but its a female thing and she cannot seek comfort or help from me, except when she feels she want to talk to someone. Which is totally understandable.

I haven’t replied to any of C’s texts, I don’t feel like getting in the way. Which i do all the time because whenever she does get angry, even hormonally it still makes me think that what she says is what she really believes of me. I feel like whatever I say i just am in the way and just the idea of “what the fuck am i doing” runs through my mind constantly.

i feel its best i’m out of her life, however then i’d have no one to talk to. I feel bad leaving her and being with her at the same time. I just don’t know what to do anymore

the other thing that is on my mind lately is my deportation, immigration issue. this is really getting to me now. I can’t sleep at all at times. it just a nightmare every morning i wake up with that in my mind.
I can’t do a lot of things that frustrates me.
 

confidence with skype

I’m thinking of building my conversational skills and communication over skype. I’ve just ordered a new webcam and I’m going to try practice a few minutes a day talking to people randomly online to get conversation goings.
And I will slowly move to doing it to random people on the street. I know it seems sad but it seems like a good plan to meet new people and to build my confidence to meet and talk to new people. 

morning

woke up today at 12:00 to some eggs, baked beans and mushroom. That was filling. was good

Once woken up my dad asked me to sit next to him to chose a car, I thought ok cool, but he kept asking stupid question he knew the answers to. He was just annoying, however, we did find a car and I left it at that.

just can’t handle people atm, espeically with this.

but somehow lately i’ve just been angry at my parents, because i just can’t take them atm. I need to try to find out why i am doing that 

Weekly updates for 2010-08-01

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