feeling better today

today i am feeling a bit better, i didn’t do much. but i am aching all over my body.

i wasn not able to do my work work as i just was focusing on my self and watching tv.

i am currently closing my eyes to type.

interesting how far we’ve grown.

especially when i just posted  a post about a 10 year anniversary. i am not feeling to great interms of aching today.

i am not feeling lonely which is good. i guess. but i have no motivation.at  all…..

meh

i dont want to do anything in my life right now.

is this normal? ..just googled it is normal.

i am wlistening to artemis…it is interesting well performed i guess.

i like the 1 person view and minds eye over things. it helps numbs out. i mean audiobooks helps numbing out the pain and stress from it all.

i am losing my memory now and then, time just flies and i dont like this.

another month just passed by and i’ve done nothing to help.

i just want to give up work and not do anything its so pointless.

i just dont want to do things.

i  want to have a normal life but dont want to do things to get to it.

i want a normal body, ..ripped and slim. i just want a normal body,

mdy body is aching. i feel so weak.

my fingers are hurting typing.other than that i setup a new server using plesk. which is great! its like having laravel forge but like everything and well managed via aws. i just need to make sure i can back it up now and then.

i dont really feel for janet anymore. i just feel normal no nothing anymore. i left the keyrings on the table at my parents. ineed to return it to her at some point.

  

10 years on blogging

wow times does fly by. i’m now 30 and im looking at my blog since i started back in 2008. it has been a ride, a very long ride.

The way i write and express myself have changed…drastically.

I was reading my old posts and I felt awkward to read and it was refreshing to see that i’ve changed a lot in the last 10 years.

I’ve got a lot of things going on in my life and i need to start getting back on track. as we speak i am hungry. I am trying out meal replacement shakes from PHD to see if there are any changes in my weight.

I will try to alternate and use the following programme for the food.

Monday = 1 mrp

Tuesday = 2 mrp (breakfast/lunch)

Wednesday =1 mrp (breakfast)

Thursday = same as tuesday

Friday = same as wednesday

Saturday = 2 mrp

Sunday = 2mrp + 1 dirty food.

 

 

today’s plan

i am in bed at the moment and I need to do some food shopping for the week.

I need to grab some vegetables and some fish.

I think i am ok with the house cleaning stuff. but i need to clean lol!

I will also need to take my measurement for those damn shirts. I also need to go primark today to get some trousers.

I will try to get some food now with the shaker then get some of wash on for later so that I can dry it before bed.

I will try to hoover the place when im back from shopping. to be fair if im going for the mrp i dont need to spend  a lot on food this week except buying more MRP from phd.

I will see what other flavours they have so that i can try.

 

after i am back i am going to do the payment processing for one of the suppliers and start backing up my mac, i really need to sort out my mac and my server.

If i get time i will look at some marketing things and prepare a plan of action and outsource the work out. properly. i have no time to do it. so i have to get it done.

  

what now…

now that i am single again… i need to rebuild myself.

at the moment i dont feel like doing anything. I have no joy or will to do anything.

I feel my life is a waste at the moment and there is very little that i can do to change it.

I pray everynight before bed, because i believe in god and that i am also scared. the comfort that god provides does help me go through day by day.

the mornings ae pretty difficult for me. its a weird feeling like you just came off the operation table, druggy and achy (‘simetimes’)

i am going through counselling and i need to get better.

I thought i was physically getting better but it was not the case this week.

I feel a bit frustrated with the ‘ you are not allowed to do xx xxx and xx ‘ its tiring.

i’m tired of going on like this everyday. I cannoy enjoy runnig or anthing else to get myself better. I have no energy and i feel weak most of the time.

its not nice and this is causing more and more problems for me going forward in my life.

it is a viscious cycle that icannot get of. i want to get better physically and lose weight, get trim and build muscles.

at the moment my diet is shocking and it needs a revamp.

 

 

in terms of love life its non-existent but i have two good friends that are supporting me; eva and sean. I cannot ask for any one esle. they are close and i love them both for being around and sticking through.

what is suprising is that Eva is considerate comprared to janet who has been a gf for 5 years. eva didn’t take the piss with me and eating beef, chicken or any religius and restricting/fasting foods.

she doesn’t push it on you or does forget.

it is really annoying that janet forgot that i sacrified and pryed for her. it angers me that she doesn’t know evn after telling her. i just want her to recognise she is going to lose out on a great guy.

I sometimes hope she gets fucked over by a new guy in another relationship.

see how it feels to get fucked over.

she has no empathy and doesnt care about people around you.

her sister is a joke too, she commented as to why the nyc holiday wasn’t longer….well it is a fucking gift.

jesus…what kind of mentality is this bullshit.

what also annoys me is that she keeps me hidden away from her friends and its stressing really stressing that she does this. imagine being hidden away from a relationship for 5 years.

i think these are some of the key factors.

i’ll post one tomrrow morning. 

quick one for tonight

tomorrow the plan is to go gym, and clothes shopping.

i got to sort my life out. gonna rest a bit and do my own stuff. I need to fix my diet and health. there’s no point running around if im getting tired.

 

cutting out janet from my life is helpful.

she has not been there for me. i remember how ungrateful she has been when i got her a new phone. she asked ‘why didn’t you get the normal iphone 5s, i could have given you the extra money to upgrade.’.

it was disheartening. i just didn’t care at that point. i saw my face in the pics. i just was not happy like that.

 

i helped her through her hard times but to then be treated like shit.

when i needed support she was not there.

i sacrificed and prayed for her to pass her exams.

but it was not enough. and she didn’t appreciate it.

all she is is materialistic and nothing else.

how can you be with someone so self centred they dont know the damage they are doing around you. 

not sure what im doing

I’m not sure what i am doing, i woke up this morning tensed up and stressed.

not sure what to do, its like a really depressed day.

I feel down down, not sure what to do and what i am doing. my legs feels weird, heavy.

im constnatly sleepy since morning and i dont feel like doing anything at all. i feel lost, i dont know what to do.

maybe i need to go food shopping?

 

  

sex and friendship

yesterday and today…well today i had sex with my ex. It started as anormal drink/dinner and we ended up having sex.

I wanted it, she wanted and we done it. I’m not sure what to look out for in life and what i should be striving for.

i dont know what i want.

 

maybe just sex? but can i live like this for the next 20 years of just having sex and not building anything permanent?

i dont know.

 

deep down i want something that grows, and not just temporary.

i’ve met this girl online, promising but we’ll see….

she’s quite distant but hopefully we’ll see if she’s a good person.

im going to take it easy with the dating thing and not worry too much about it.

i also want to fuck the shit out Eva, even though she is a friend, i really want to do her one and see how far it goes. i do care for her, and i feel bad about her situation but i feel she needs someone to take over all that shit from her.

 

i’m also going to get back in shape and get my life sorted out. im signing out now and waking up early for a bit of meditation, skipping, and cooking breakfast.

 

peace out 

broke up

Janet and I are taking a break
but i am considering it as a full breakup so that I don’t need.
I am concentrating on myself at the moment and I am feeling a bit better.
i haven’t had any negative thoughts.

It was pretty rough on thursday night as i couldn’t sleep.

I tried to go for a walk, drink water, listen to music and put the fan on. I was still feeling weird.

i have not contacted her or will contact her. The arrangement is that when she is feeling better she’ll contact me.
From her past messages it seems that she doesn’t love me anymore.
she lost the love factor with me, it could be because of stress.

We don’t even have sex anymore…there’s nothing from her side.

 

here is my response that I want to say.

i don’t completely understand what’s going on in your head, but I am trying to listen. Every time you mention it, I try to understand what’s going on in your head.

no you don’t try to understand. I’ve sent you articles about my depression and trying to explain how it is. Yet I get comments that are not helping me at all.

some are “just be happy”
“stop thinking negative”

Sometimes i just get silence

I know you were under immense stress from your previous work. You were so much more relaxed after your trip and even in the following weeks. You may disagree with me. In my opinion, I think working for your dad actually made it worst. Hence all my suggestions, opinions etc. which were not heard or actioned on because at the end of the day, it was your family against me (I get it!)

no matter how much I explained it was not easy you didn’t try to understand it. I love my family, my dad. I tried to help him out as much as I could as we had trouble to go through court issues. He helped me for my court fees for my visa and my uncle’s fucking tricks to take my property.

 

I really appreciate that you were there for me when I was at Hatstand.

yet all these comments were not helping me at all. I feel you forget how much i help you and being there for you. I am supportive properly.

 

Maybe wasted was the wrong word. The point that I was trying to get across is that the lack of commitment meant that we were going nowhere with our relationship. We needed more communication, i don’t even know you are taking pills….

Yes, but who is it too blame. when i talked to you 2 years ago about getting kids or married so that gauge if you’re interested you were silent. Whenever I talked to you about my feelings or getting together its just silent.
Silence and more silence.
How would i know what you want when you don’t tell me how you’d want it.
When I asked you about relationship counselling you said its not the relationship at hand but we can try. what kind of thinking is that. I tried submitting a relationship counselling

 

But it really upsets me to find out that you were being too comfortable whilst I am staying in the UK for you trying to make this work and not be with my family and friends in HK. It has always been really hard for me. To heard you saying things like that just makes it even harder for me when I have no one here.

I know that oyu have family back in HK, i have tried to go through my chartership to allow me to go to HK or singapore so that you can be home too.
I did try explain to you my plan but apparently money is more important.
I explained that I needed time to recover, i needed time to get my visa, i needed time to just go back. maybe you don’t understand how depressed and stressed I am to think about just going back to work. it’s making me sick. YET you still put the pressure that i need to leave my dad like NOW and I get the comment that I wasted a year of my life.
you fucking bitch.
YOU have no consideration for me at all.

 

I am sorry that I haven’t been responsive. You have been telling me that you don’t want to go back to Qsing and yet i am the one pushing you towards it. I don’t even know what’s best for you and us anymore…

I feel you just want me to go back to qsing to make more money. Marketing isn’t cutting it in YOUR PLAN, there is little to no input on what i want.
You don’t want a saving of £20k, you want a saving of £40k. You want the best. well… if that is the case go find another man that can give you money and the life you want. I can’t even look at myself whenever you talk about money and how I cannot save shit.

 

I am not saying that you quit your job was a bad idea, it was that you had no plans for our future at all bothered me. Was I ever part of it?

no you said it was. I heard it and you said it. You even apologised for it.
let me see…uhmm. i’m having difficulties and I had to quit to change careers because I was fucked up. I was not in a good place.
You were always a part of it.
Building more “money” and time to grow the business so that I can get back to £55k for YOU. FOR YOU. not us, because whatever I say it isn’t cutting it for you. I have given up on my dreams.

 

I am sorry if you feel i am not supportive. But what could I have done to make you feel that I was supportive? I listened, I gave suggestions, options, my opinions etc…. I don’t want you to feel that I don’t care about you, because I do. I just don’t know how to handle it. Everything I say you always feel that I don’t understand or target you…

you are. your suggestions are cut through suggestions. Just quit your job. well where do I go? I don’t want to go back to Qsing. What do I do for a job? just quit? yeah let’s just quit, my dad cannot make money for the family and I am homeless. Great Janet. amazing suggestion dick head.
Fuck you inconsiderate bitch.

look who is there for me when I’m down. not even my family or you. Sean and a bit of my family.
That;s it. Where areyou in the picture you fucking CUNT.

 

 

Sorry I should have had a conversation with you rather than texting, but I am too upset to express my thoughts out loud.

Good night.

inconsiderate.

 

What pissed me off is that i compromised for you a lot. I tolerate you a lot

  • we don’t have sex, and I know you’re not into sex all the time but come on.
  • you don’t tell me I love you anymore or ever really.
  • you don’t think about me as you used to
  • you don’t respond properly
  • you always talk about your self, i never have anything to say because i get to the point of understanding that you talk so much that I am unable to explain my day or even share what I do.
  • it’s always been about yourself
  • you don’t have pictures of us
  • You say you want to include me with your friends but yet you don’t invite me properly. I went out of my way to drop you off and skip on my tickets for comicon. awesome girlfriend. you are the best and you are considerate
  • I took you to drive
  • I helped you during your down time at hatstand. And I get this shit….

thanks janet you bitch, self absorbed and inconsiderate bitch.

 

 

update

i have been with my gf for nearly 5 years now.
its been a good ride. yesterday we’ve taken a break from each other.

she has been distant since monday.
Everything was fine on the weekend and sunday.
Then poof monday there’s no more talking.

were not talking anymore.

i made it clear to her that she needs to reply to me when she is ready.

i am also losing concentration.
I don’t know where to go with my life at the moment.

My health has gone down the pan, my mental health down the pan.
i am finding it hard to go to the gym. Today i wanted to go to the gym, i couldn’t because i was busy, frustrated.

I woke up at 10ish to go to the acconutant to drop off my passport, and other documents. I need to go pick it up tomorrow.

i am finding it hard to remember things.

I went to the GP today late in the evening. I need to go to the gp on Friday around 4:00pm on the 6th.

hopefully i’ll get a reminder a few days before friday the 6th of September.

i am also looking at getting a job in maidstone with my old cm.
hopefully it will be easy to deal with and i can manage this properly.

the doctor recommended I journal to help with my memory. I am just finding it really hard to remember.

I am quite annoyed at one of my employees as he is not able to do his job properly. The attitude that he has in dealing and preparing the job is that ‘I am in training’. I haven’t been shown it properly.
tomorrow we’re going to survey the back garden, put it in the software and set it out after.

It is quite weird that he cannot do the job properly.

our previous graduate we took on board was able to survey without any issues. He was able to pick up and use the instrument without effort.

it’s quite hard for me to teach someone who needs continuous attention as it is frustrating.
i don’t mind teaching as long as he can learn fast and willing to learn.

tomorrow’s plan is to wake up early and prepare for the training.

I really want to go gym.

i need to investigate ways to go gym and do slow weight lifting.
I cannot do crazy stuff.

the plan now is to do super slow of the following groups:

Chest + tricepts
back + biceps
shoulders
legs

we need to do 5-6 exercise per session.

so maybe we can do chest (2 exercise), 2 back, 1-2 arm exercise in one session. take 2 days and then do shoulder and legs., and go back at the chest ones.

or maybe focus on 3-5 exercise on the chest
chest press
chest fly
bar bell
triceps

then we have back:
low row
back fly
bent over row

biceps

 

 

plan for marketing

So for this, I am going to do the following:

  1. Test 5-10 different offers of assumed stages and questions they’d have.
  2. create MDU ads (medium size ads)
  3. *do some special ninja targeting and optimisation on adwords*
  4. At this point the offer will go to a landing page offering that guide/checklist/etc… (the thankyou page would say that we’re updating the guide to v2 and we’ll send it in 2-3 days). (the landing page would have a 5-8 question form; similar to hubspot and the like)
  5. This is because the content isn’t written yet, so gathering the stats and knowing what which offer converted will give me an idea of what to focus on.
  6. The result will tell me which content to write (or even outsource)
  7. I’d spend roughly £100-150 on the content/guide – has to be high quality.
  8. Send the guide to the high converting landing pages and disregard the low converting guides.
  9. re-test the conversions and see what’s working 
  10. Then focus on 1-2 top converters which I think would work for my business based on the information from point 4 above.
  11. While they sign up I’ll hopefully be writing up personal emails to guide them through the next step, on and on until they get to my service. 
  12. Throughout the emails we’ll be displaying a small banner at the bottom to advertise our services to those who are already in the bottom of funnel but took 2-3 step back as they found a top of funnel guide which was interesting. (google the 3 2 1 retargeting approach, that explain the reasoning to this)
  13. Then once we get this we hope to convert
  14. IF NOT we are going to do some cross promotion to competitors or verticals such as different services at the top of funnel or something they’d look out for after the sales.

The above will take 3-4 months to setup. Like any good campaign take time to set it up. Maybe break it down into small packages.