What a week, getting back from therapy

for the last 5-6 weeks i’ve been to therapy and next week is going to be my last week there.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself and how to get around in my head. A few things i need to look at on a daily basis is my values, priorities in life.


some of my defining values that I have are:

  1. Respectful
  2. Reciprocity
  3. Adventurous
  4. Honest
  5. creative
  6. fair

the list above is of priority, i feel i and others needs to be respected. When I do not achieve respect i feel awful. not happy. when respects are not met. Respect must be given, adventure must be received/created. I feel things needs to be honest/fair.

At this moment these values are what i value, it may change in the future but these are the ones I am into today. 16/02/2019


The other thing I identified in my life is that I need to priorities:

  1. Myself/My Partner
  2. Family (Parents, siblings)
  3. Friends
  4. Work
  5. Others

There is no point sacrificing your health for work, or sacrificing family over friends. But my partner and I are priority if we’re in a deep serious relationship.

Talking to myself (aka dealing with the situation)

Every thought that goes through my head to make a decision or ponder on things in my life needs to be reasonably questioned so that I can handle my thoughts and emotion.

This allows me to stop thinking negatively and focusing on other avenues to fix the issue.

Whenever I feel stuck, overwhelmed, I need to re-view my current situation, relax, review, and identify the emotions, thoughts and beliefs at that particular point.

So for example: I feel overwhelmed because I am running around learning react.js, vue.js, java, etc… but that is causing me to be scared. This is because I have a limited belief and thought that I will never be good at these and not get a job.

If i take a step back from that I can review that I am good at programming, php, pythong, etc.. not excellent but good enough to pick up things fairly fast. I just need to give myself time.

Also the other thought running in my head is that I’ll never escape the QS job/career so I am going to be stuck there for the rest of my life. This is because I am not good at programming. But when i take a look back at the programme that I’ve done so far I can see that I am good, and I am going to get better.

I just need to focus maybe on one skill at a time or give myself some time to build my experience. I cannot be that GOOD that I know everything. Take a look at the courses we’ve gone through I am still working on it but looking at what they’re teaching is quite basic and not super crazy shit that people are expecting me to do.

side note: I should stop buying guides on udemy as lynda offers the same cheaper, better quality.


Life is a balance of cups and water, like Jim mentioned in his bootcamp. You have your family, relationships, friends, health, mental state, rest, work. You cannot keep doing one thing 40hours a week. You have to break it down or else it gets de-balanced and you’ll break and tip over.

For example today i’ve been doing my CV, doing, doing doing, etc… and I’d need to take a rest from this. Hence I am writing my log here and I am going to treat myself with a pastry later on, read a book or watch some TV or something to distract my thoughts and relax. The key to all interchange between state is to relax. I need to be more relax and mindful. It is not 3pm whilst I am writing this in Starbucks in London bridge.

I’ve got soo many ideas of so many things to do. But it has to be prioritised, one thing at a time. Not EVERYTHING. Don’t go 100% onto things that I cannot do.

I also want to build a meetup.com community of developers to have fun, code, and socialise.


Some of things that restricts me in life is bad beliefs that holds me down. One of the most crucial ones that I have is the belief that doing something that I love is going to make me hate it so much that I’ll have nothing left. Same goes with other weird belief such as only dating people outside of my social circle. If I date people within my social circle it will fuck things up. But it is more about managing my priorities and requirements at the moment.

For example if there is someone I connect very well at work, etc… and she’s nice. I shouldn’t dismiss the thought completely because of these ‘bad’ belief or rules i’ve created for myself.

The image below should be something to look at on a regular basis to get myself out there to analyse the situation.

Image result for cbt hot cross bun

foundation of my life:

  • Rest/relax
  • be patient – don’t rush
  • challenge your thinking regularly

Finally some time to myself

ahhh finally some time to myself today. i am at home, chilling, and waiting for the cleaners to clean up my things. I am going to go to the pharmacy today to pick up my prescription. I was a bit naughty with the breakfast this morning. I had 2x pain au chocolat.

the aim today is to finish the majority of the essential pages of the site. This means getting the stuff down on paper/design + also start looking at the web copy. i need to ask my dad for the reviews of the web copy so that i can upload them. once this is done we need to identify all the pages on the site that needs converting.

the MacBook seriously needs a touch screen. its mad that they dont have any. i don’t think they are ferocious enough to get that business done properly.

i am going to go to the pharmacy later around 11 or so to pickup my medication. i am also going to look at review the adwords this week for the last 7 days’ of data. i will tackle the search terms as well as some ad creative.

thinking about it i should really be focusing on the writing element this morning. so i should finish up some of the web copy today or mind map at least…so that i can upload it online for review or even get ideas for the website. i need to start a mind map of all our benefits and value proposition even if they are the same as other competitors but we should try to highlight it to others.

i think this is what i am going to do this morning for 30min or so. tackle the mind map.

in bed

in bed cold this morning. I guess i do need a couch or something.
i need to plan the Xmas holidays as well as NYE with the family and friends. It has been awesome sleeping over at Olivia’s.
last night we had our regular four-play and I ended up coming a lot all over the place.
i think its the first time she’s seen someone ejaculate.
she was laughing and kept saying sorry. There was nothing to be sorry about!.

i’ve got a call with HR today to discuss my health and me coming back to work in new years. i don’t know quite sure what i need to do and how its going to play out.
i don’t even know if i should go back to the same department or another. if i do go back there will be that tension still and the stress may come back, it will all depend on how strong i am to push these additional work away from me.
if i do change department i’ll feel guilty leaving the old department and lose friends, progress in this long term project.

i just bought a new theme from bootstrap and it looks aMAAZING! i have to update our site to that theme. its unreal! so clean and so professional. no way this can be that awesome!.

ok anyway, i’m working on it now to see if i can get it all up and running in time for this. gosh the page is still unpacking. its mental.
the new template is called purpose.
i’ll get this out of the way fairly soon and push for a final list of pages to be completed.
the aim is to publish something by friday.

sometimes dropbox just sucks in terms of speed, it doesn’t really connect, etc…

i have to setup the main template from scratch, reload everything up.
i also need to review the content published on upwork later on.

i love the new template
i need to commission out some of the icons for the site.


it has been a few days since i’ve posted. Hopefully this will help catchup with what’s going on with me.

for the past 2 days i’ve been feeling better but i dont have motivation to go gym. I know i should and I shall go today.

I am aiming to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, then cycle to the gym, do a few work out on the chest and arms, head down to ASDA to pick up :

  • mushroom
  • tortilla
  • avocado
  • frozen veg

then head back home, shower, shave and get ready for later.

I dont think i’ll stay at the gym for long as its still cold. I do feel like a lack of motivation but hopefully i’ll be ok. i’m going to eat a small amount before going then come back.

i will also need to think about ad creatives so that I can get some ideas for my business. These should help.


today i feel a bit ok. I was really tired this morning. but i am glad i finished my book, the relic, last night. it was awesome!

well detailed and explained. I love the facts and the intensity of the book.

today i am going to rest and not go cycling or exercise. i may need to go to the pharmacy later to pick up my prescription.

i also need to resolve this upwork.com job post that i created to hire someone in to do the job. I think this is priority for me today. I also bought a used gitbit. it does the job and i’m glad im tracking my sleep, etc…

im in bed this morning while the cleaner is cleaning the place up.

I will move out of her shortly once i’ve regain my legs back! bloody pins and needles.

once i sort out the upwork thing, i am going to look at writing up a plan for the display marketing. after reading the book on getclients now i see that marketing is a system and not a magical thing. i need to update and work on it on a continuous basis.

I need to start off with just getting more clients aware of our business. I will take a look at the locations and towns of the enquiries and see where we are mostly tasked to undertake the job. I’ll downlaod the report and do that.

I also need to double check all the landing pages if they are working and propbably make them static. From there I could just display the static images and that is it.

  • Download the landing page report
  • Check each page to see what’s working
  • see if they work
  • download them into html
  • Host them/or change the locations
  • The next thing
  • I need to download the list of ads, identify the changes and prepare a weekly report to review
  • From there we can understand what is performing on a weekly basis.
  • i will then need to spend some time to remove and improve the CTR of these ad copy. The problem is that there are loads of factors.

Display marketing

  • I need to write a plan up to see what needs to be done for the display marketing. I understand that this is going to take some time and work. my idea is that i can add 1 display ad every week/2-3 day and write an article to support it so that i can build a following. but this means that i need to design the blog page for the main site via django.
  • I dont think this is going to be hard. I can use disqus as the commenting system for the site and build upon that.
  • i think it will not take toooo long to build. I can use the same design scheme as wordpress for the listing, and writing setup so that i can just write up the code. i need to find a good IDE that i can add to the page and just crack on.
  • I will also need to add an upload page for documents, etc… and build a insertion page that displays all the files’ link or whatever
  • but all these details will become clear once i get to this section . I am going to think and run it at the back of my head for now and wait.
  • Later i’ll do this

I think my hands are full for now so I think i am going to get started with the above.

for the rest of the day, i just need a quick clean, and go for a walk to get the soft tacos for later. if not i need to find a place for olivia and I to go for dinner or something tonight. As its cold i am not to keen to go for a walk but it should feel good doing some exercise.

Sometimes i feel that i am a pig, i am so dirty at home and i dont clean up after myself. i need to read that book on cleaning after myself and also get more books from the pentergas series.


tomorrow i need to go through the landing pages and clear it up. I also need to cook some udon noodles for the mini moo.

I am going to go to the gym tomorrow morning too, i’ll cycle there and see how it goes.

i’m trying to restrain myself from purchasing new things, i thing its not good to keep looking at new things.

tomorrow i need to clean up the landing pages and sort out these issues with the website and get the pages comissioned properly. I also have counselling tomorrow afternoon.

the journalling is helping as well as meditation


I am going to go the gym this morning and work on my core and arms.

i’m going to cycle there and then also get some fresh milk on the way back  and see if i can read something there or not.

today’s main aim is to contact lisa about what i’m going to do when i get back. obviously i want to work again but not under high amount of pressure. I need to be able to deal with the CBT and get over it.

Contact lisa and ask her what I should be doing when I am back and if they still want me. Then I can confirm to renew my tenancy agreement and for how long.

once i am done withgym i am coming back here and getting a brunch or something. I will then tackle the CBT mind over mood to see how it goes.


Stressed out today a little because my dad is asking me to fix up things at work. There are deadlines for him and he is not helping by talking to the contractor directly

i feel like it needs to be done asap or i’ll have palpitation.

I need to get things done now and now. i feel its taking me away rfrom my duties.


if i could do anything

if i could do anything to setup the perfect ad it would be:

  1. hire the best copywriters to write google text ads to convert, their landing page text and sections
  2. prepare an amazing video that explains the services
  3. have an amazing landing page that was design and written by top people in the world.
  4. have a marketing team track every usage


August update


Its been hectic for teh past couple of weeks.

I finally have taken a break for myself from everything too hectic or meeting people. I’ve been cycling non-stop for 6 days now and its just aching all over. I am going to my parents tonight and then rest for the next 2-3 days.

I am so so aching these days but i am losing weight. I am trying to work on myself as much as I can and also work on my dad’s website.

today i am in a nice little costa in kingscross and I am planning on doing some work on the adwords marketing for my site. its raining outside and I just want to curl up and sleep. There is a lot to do but meh… another thing i want to do is listen to an audiobook all night.

i need to take some time off from all of this and do nothing. I dont want to work anymore, i do like my job but i am fed up with everything going on. it is stressing me out.

i am going to download the marketing data today and remove any crap words into the filtration and add any interesting keywords on the system.